Lucky Charms

Roadtrip conversations and questions of life.

I’m not sure exactly when Hayley and I got engaged. It might’ve been somewhere between Chippewa Falls and Wausau, Wisconsin. And I can’t really remember if it happened coming or going.

It was early July, 2018. We’d been dating for six months and it had been serious from pretty much day one. It was time to talk about marriage.

I wasn’t nervous, exactly. But I knew it was something I wanted to get right.

I’d been informed early in the relationship that Hayley was not interested in being proposed to. Okay, I thought, I don’t like surprises either. I could handle that.

I was warned off from asking her father’s blessing. And her mother’s, for that matter.

“Bad idea,” she said. “They’ll wonder why you’re asking them. Plus, I get to decide.”

Can’t argue with that logic.

To be honest, I probably would’ve asked them if she hadn’t talked me out of it. I thought it was the polite thing to do. I’m from the Midwest, after all.

Hayley and I were driving from Saint Peter, Minnesota to Suamico, Wisconsin, just north of Green Bay. We were on the way out for my friend Dahlke’s wedding. I had a shiny new credential of ministry from the Universal Life Church and was set to officiate the ceremony.

“Okay,” I said. We’d just crossed the border into Wisconsin. “Where do you want to start?”

We’d compiled a list of topics. I wasn’t expecting any surprises, but it’s good to check the fine print before entering into a binding legal contract.

“Pets,” she said. “I want 12 cats and several dogs.”

That’s how I remember it, anyway.

She’d thrown me into the deep end of the pool. Forget politics and religion. If I could weather this topic I had a good chance of marrying her someday.

At the time, we had Duke and two cats.

“I think our pets are perfect right now,” I ventured.

I waited a few seconds. She didn’t say anything.

My family always had dogs. I understood dogs.

“Maybe another dog someday, but we’ll need a bigger yard.”

She smiled. We were off and running.

As for me, I would never choose to have a cat.

Love does funny things to a person.

---

Halfway though the drive, Hayley took over at the wheel so I could review my notes for the ceremony. What an honor it is to be asked to preside over one of your best friends’ weddings.¹ Also, what the hell was he thinking?

I studied my remarks for the dozenth time. Dahlke and I had been through a lot. I was nervous but couldn’t show it and wouldn’t let him down. People expect a certain presence and sense of calm from their wedding officiant. I charted my course for the weekend accordingly.

A bunch of my high school friends and acquaintances were hanging out in the garage when we arrived at the house on the western shore of Lake Michigan. It was mid-afternoon and it appeared that we were a few hours late to the party.

I introduced Hayley to the group, then excused myself to go find Dahke and his fiance.

Things were less rowdy inside. I greeted Dahlke with a hug, then introduced myself to his future in-laws. I talked everyone through what to expect from the ceremony, and clarified a few details and preferences. Everyone was feeling good about the plan when I returned to the garage.

“Hayley’s great,” a skinny guy from high school slurred at me. We weren’t close friends but I’d known him since Little League.

“She gives really good advice.”

I looked at Hayley.

“He has a new girlfriend,” she shrugged.

Speaking of girlfriends, one of mine from high school was also there. I learned later that she’d spent quite a bit of time telling Hayley about all of my favorite things.

Of course, my old girlfriend did it in the present tense even though more than a dozen years had passed. She, too, had consumed a few adult beverages.

“I knew about the Mountain Dew,” Hayley teased me later. “But I didn’t realize how much you loved Top Gun.”

I didn’t know whether to be relieved or concerned, but I was glad she was enjoying herself.

The next day, I sidled up to Dahlke before pictures.

“I look like a goddamn leprechaun,” I said.

The wedding colors were emerald and gray. As the officiant, I was wearing a green bowtie over my vest and corsage. My round face bulged red above the too-tight rental collar.

Dahlke chuckled.

“I wanted you to look like a leprechaun,” he said.

You never really know if Dahlke is kidding or not. When I thought about it later, I still couldn’t decide if he’d picked the outfit for me on purpose or just delighted in the lucky coincidence when it happened.

After the wedding, we signed the marriage license on the top of a car outside the reception hall then danced the night away.

---

On the drive back to Minnesota, Hayley and I continued our discussion. Finances, kids, careers. It all seemed to line up.

I’d never had any doubts, but seeing her gracefully navigate a wild weekend of high school friends and family and strangers and do it all with a smile had only made me more certain. To be honest, she handled the whole thing better than I did.

Thirteen months later, we were married. In the six years since, we’ve asked each other a bunch more questions about how we should go about navigating life together.

“When marrying you should ask yourself this question: do you believe you are going to enjoy talking with this woman into your old age? Everything else in a marriage is transitory, but most of the time that you're together will be devoted to conversation.”

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Sometimes, as we go through this journey together, I think back to when she advised me not to ask her parents for their blessing. In a funny way, it reminds us we’re on the same team and has helped guide us through some tough decisions.

“We get to decide,” I say. “Let’s talk about it.”

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1. I realize the construction of this sentence is imperfect, but that’s part of the fun. For you careful readers who analyze the footnotes, I will clarify that this best friend has only had one wedding. So far, so good.